Living with Stage 4 Breast Cancer: Body Image

The emotional roller coaster a cancer diagnosis can cause, is unbelievable in so many ways! I look in the mirror and sometimes wonder... who is this person staring back at me?! I feel like a chrysalis of my former self! The daily challenges of trying to look like yourself, can be extremely exhausting. I laugh at myself constantly! I have to create/carve out eyebrows, because they are fading by the day. I might be lucky and have five lashes to each eye! I have attempted to apply false eyelashes, let's say that didn't workout very well. My wig has become a helmet, that you can't take off until your at home! Especially in the summer! Some days I could just want to, fling it off on to the driveway and run it over! I admire the strong women that can rock and embrace their bald heads! My body will never be the same with all the surgical scars, physical limitations, pain and breast reconstruction process. It can be difficult to grasp the full impact of this disease. You have no idea unless your going through it. I enjoy educating anyone that is willing to listen, it's a true eye opener. This is my life, my story. I have many people say "You look great!" or " You don't look sick!" I take them a compliments, but I am fighting daily for my life. I am a warrior! God gives me my strength! I am so thankful for prayer and positivity. When going through this at least for me, you just want to be normal again. In the end you have to be comfortable in your own skin. Finding your new normal. The new beautiful and stronger you! Embrace each day with a smile and sometimes a tear!

Chemotherapy #1,2 & 3- Stage 4 Metastatic Breast Cancer

I know it's be a while, since my last update. I just needed some time to process my new diagnosis. It is still so surreal! I have learned that worrying about the future does not change the future, it only takes away from the joy of today!! I live by this daily. It is so easy to feel sorry for yourself, I have so much to live for...

I started my new chemotherapy/treatment plan on April 30. The new chemo meds are Perjeta, Docetaxel and Herceptin, every 3 weeks for 4 cycles. I will get Zometa as well, which is for my bones, every 3 weeks. Once cancer attacks the bone, the goal is to break it down, cause fractures and spread. The Zometa allows the bones to produce more bone building cells to counteract the cancer cells. It's not a cure but a bandaid. To slow the process down. Treating metastatic breast cancer as a chronic condition, these are the latest and greatest of medications. The effects are slightly different from the previous chemo cocktail. I experienced numbness around my mouth, which feels like the anesthetic from the Dentist, that never wears off. My finger tips and toes get numb as well. The taste buds are non-existent! When food has no taste or has an altered taste, it's the worst. It's like eating something you don't like, can you just imagine?! Let's say eating has been extremely difficult I know nourishment is needed to remain strong. I have been supplementing with ensure drinks. One new side effect is diarrhea! The fatigue and insomnia is ridiculous. I can be so exhausted, eyes so heavy basically I could asleep standing. I get in the bed and become a zombie! This is the worst torture you could imagine. So tired you can't go to sleep! I attribute this madness to the steroids, I get prior to chemo. With each treatment, my symptoms have decreased slightly! I have started walking a few times a week with a good friend. I feel so much better. Before all of this I worked out 4-5 times a week. I am just trying to found out what my new normal will be... I am so thankful, because I know it could be a lot worst. I keep a positive attitude and stay prayerful. I know the Lord did not bring me this far to leave me.  

My Rib Biopsy/Surgery

I had so much anticipation for this rib biopsy. All of my treatments have been put in hold. I just want everything to be done and over. So I can put all of this behind me. On April 15, I checked into the hospital for my wire localization and surgery. The first part of the procedure is placing a wire in to the rib lesion, using a CT scan. Once the wire was placed, I was moved to the operating room. My Cardiothoracic surgeon  had planned to remove over an inch of my 10th rib for biopsy. I remember sliding over to the operating table and was immediately put to sleep. I spent about two hours on recovery, when I woke up I was headed to my room for the night.
Due to my previous surgery experiences with nausea and vomiting after anesthesia. The Doctor put me on a liquid diet. I was so hungry, but I quickly learned that broth and lemon ice is a recipe for projectile vomiting! I will leave at that...The pain was unbelievable! I had a chest tube placed to collect any excess blood and fluid from the surgery site. My incision was about an inch and a half wide, with the chest tube a couple of inches below. I couldn't sit up on my own and had to use a bedside toilet. The way I was feeling, there would be no way I could go home the next day. It is so difficult to get rest in a hospital anyway, but to have a roommate that is noisy and coughing all night was a nightmare.... If she wasn't coughing she was on the phone late! Needless to say I wanted to go home. The next morning the Surgeon came in to look over my incision and prepare the paperwork for discharge. The removal of the chest tube was very interesting. I had to hold my breath and exhale as the nurse pullsed out about a foot of tubing from my chest. Once the tube was out, my pain was slightly reduced.
I had made it home! I was so uncomfortable anywhere I tried to sit or lay down. The constant pain with every breath. I found it extremely difficult to cough, laugh or sneeze! It took me over a week, to finally get a full nights sleep. I have to conscious of my posture, trying not guard my right side and slump over when walking. The amount of procedures, I have had over the last four months has definitely taken a toll on my physical and mental well being.
On April 24, I received the biopsy results. I have stage 4 metastatic breast cancer! I was spiritually/mentally prepared. I will fight this with everything I have, with Jesus by my side. Along with the love and support from famiy, friends and my medical team. I GOT THIS!!

Chemotherapy #1 HER2 Positive Breast Cancer

At the age of 36, I would have never imagined fighting breast cancer for the second time. Before I could start my treatments. I had to have another outpatient procedure, a port placed in my chest which is connected to one of the main arteries of my heart. Providing minimal discomfort before each treatment. Rather than looking for a vein each time. I received my treatment schedule, I have 6 cycles of chemotherapy every 3 weeks. A targeted treatment called Herceptin, weekly until chemotherapy is completed. Then every 3 weeks for a year. The road ahead seems never ending... To be honest, I want to do everything in my power to fight this disease. But side effects can be so debilitating and life changing! My experience with chemotherapy previously, I had nausea, fatigue, neuropathy of my hands, feet with extreme burning and itching. I also had taste aversion, food has a metallic taste. I lost my hair after 3 treatments. I could still function, I was working part-time, going to school and taking care of my family. This time around  is a different story, working and daily tasks are next to impossible this time. My first treatment was on February 19, 2015. I get my blood drawn and see the Doctor before treatment starts. I am usually there for about 6 hours. I get a cocktail steroids and anti- nausea meds before chemo. The chemotherapy drugs this time around are alot stronger! As each hour passes, I get extremely tired! The full effect kicks in the next day, after I get the Neulasta shot. It boosts the white blood cell production, to help my immune system. The chemo drugs basically wipes everything out. I have severe nausea with no appetite, extreme fatigue, weakness, headaches, taste aversion, overall body aches, and periodic burning nerve pain in random parts of my body. Most days I could barely left my head off the pillow. I started to lose my hair within the first week. I decided to shave my head. It more tramatic to watch it fall out by the handful. It seems as though life is just passing me by and I am stuck in the bed and in the house, doing nothing. I feel like a Mac truck keeps repeatedly running me over! I pray daily for strength and understanding, though the most challenging time my life. I just want to be done with everything and live life to the fullest. I am so impatient, but can you blame me? I am counting the days... Life is so precious. I have also wanted to travel to different countries and so much more. When your faced with a disease that could  potentially take your life, time is of the essence! That old sayings, "Don't put off what you could do today" or "Tomorrow is not promised" rings so true to me now! Tell your family and friends you love them and appreciate them. You never know what life trials and tribulations can bring. I have a testimony to share and that is why I started this blog. I pray my story will help at least one person to go get a mammogram, they have been putting off. The importance of self breast exams, you know your body better than anyone. Please be proactive and encourage others to do the same.

The Fear of Metastasis After Breast Cancer Diagnosis

When your diagnosed with breast cancer or any type of cancer. The fear that it could  spread to other parts of the body are all so real. During my breast cancer journey, I never heard a Doctor tell me you are in remission or cancer free. My initial diagnosis was stage 2 invasive ductal carcinoma. It spread to my lymph nodes. It only takes one cancer cell to travel to another location of the body. I did ask my Oncologist for a PET scan ( a imaging test that uses radioactive substance to look for disease in the body) I was told that because of my age and diagnosis, it could lead to unnecessary invasive procedures. If hind sight was 20/20, I would have got a second opinion. Doctors do the best they can, with use of statistics and new studies. I feel that everyone doesn't fit a particular mold. As a patient you have to be proactive and your own advocate!
 After I had my mastectomy, January 2015. I received my pathology report. I have Invasive ductal carcinoma HER2 positive. I also had another tumor growing in the left breast, were I had the previous  lumpectomy in 2011. I had 18 lymph nodes removed on the right side , 9 of them were cancerous! I was in total shock....
My new Oncologist ordered a PET scan on February 14, 2015. I had to limit my diet to protein and no carbohydrates for 48 hours prior to the test. I was so unbelievably hungry. The following week, I  received the most devastating news, that I had possible metastasis to my right 10th rib, left 12th rib and ilium. Being diagnosed with cancer is scary enough. It was my worst fear... The next week, I was scheduled for a bone scan (imaging that finds damage to the bone) to further evaluate these areas. The results are consistent with the PET scan, the right rib had the most cancerous characteristics. I still needed to have a bone biopsy to confirm the diagnosis of metastatic breast cancer. It wouldn't be considered bone cancer, because it had originated from the breast cancer.
On March 19, 2015, I had my CT scan guided bone biopsy. They use the CT scan to pinpoint the exact location of the lesion on the bone to obtain a sample. I was awake during the procedure, just a mild sedative, pain medication and local anesthesia. I had to lay on my stomach stomach, which was difficult because of my hard and plastic Barbie breast. In order for the Doctor to access the iliac through the lateral left buttock. It was slightly painful, with the initial needle poke of local anesthetic. I mostly felt pressure and very little pain. The procedure took about an hour. I had quite a bit of pain and a slight limp for a couple of days.  A week later, I received the best news ever... Negative for cancer!!! All I could say was thank you Jesus! It felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders. Within the next week my Doctor will order another biopsy, this time my right rib. I rather have an additional invasive test, than to wonder if there is cancer in that region. A peace of mind is all I can ask for, in the midst of uncertainty! I will update the results in a later post.

Recovery From My Mastectomy

My recovery proved to be the most challenging. I went home with four drains, bandages and a compression bra. I felt like a helpless infant. My chest was both tender and numb. I needed help sitting up and getting out if bed. I couldn't raise my arms above my armpits. My Husband had to help me up using my shoulders. I had a difficult time adjusting to doing next to nothing. I know some days I had roots planted in my mattress. I could only sleep on my back. I am such a multi-tasker what Mom, Wife isn't. I missed doing simple things. All I did was sleep and eat, that comes with the healing process. In the beginning I was in so much pain! I was so thankful for my home care Nurse. Being a Nurse myself, it was nice to be the patient and be able to let go. I had to empty my drains a couple of times a day and log the amounts. I had a special mastectomy bra, which had cute little pouches to hold the drains. I felt like I had a utility belt on! I only left the house for appointments. Since I couldn't raise my arms up, any item of clothing I could zip or button I wore them out. After a couple of weeks, I was able to get the drains out.

 I was a little apprehensive about looking at my chest. I did some major research before and spoke with women that had the same surgery. When I looked at my chest for the first time... I cried! This is not my body... but a new beginning. I no longer have the breasts I was used to. They had to go, they were trying to kill me... metaphorically speaking! I had weekly appointments with my Plastic Surgeon to fill my tissue expanders/ temporary breasts. It was painful, because they are stretching my chest muscles/skin. It's like having a constant muscle spasm for a few days! I would continue this process for about five weeks. Once I reached the desired size to accommodate my new silicon breasts. Now I really look like a Barbie... hard, plastic feeling and no nipples! Unfortunately, I have to wait until after chemotherapy is completed to have the implants placed. I am counting the days. I started physical therapy twice a week, about 8 weeks post-op.  I have made so much progress. I could actually rasie my arms to my shoulders!

 I am so blessed and thankful for my Husband who is my rock and my Mother who basically moved in to help me during the most difficult time of my life. I love you all to the moon and back!  I have some amazing family and friends in my life! I was so thankful for Mary H. who organized a send them a meal program. Everyday for  over a month I received full course meals delivered to my home made with love from co-workers and friends! Something so simple meant the world to me! The numerous prayers, cards, phone calls, thoughtful text messages , flowers, balloons and makeup gifts! Brought me so much gratitude! The power of prayer, faith and a positive attitude... is what got me this far. Don't get me wrong! I have those ugly cry days, but it's healthy.

My Mastectomy/Latissimis Dorsi Flap/ Reconstruction Surgery

My surgery was on January 21, 2015. I had a  simple mastectomy (removal of all breast tissue including the nipple, but saving the surrounding skin). Sentinel node dissection is the removal of cancerous lymph nodes, on the right side. I had nine positive out of eighteen lymph nodes removed. I also needed a flap procedure on the left side, where they take a piece of skin and muscle from the the back (latissimis dorsi) with it's blood supply and tunnel it under the arm to the front of the breast. This will allow the tissue expanders to stretch the skin properly and allow room for the silicon implants. Which will be a separate surgery. Once the tissue is stretched enough over several weeks. I had radiation on the left side three years ago; over time the skin will scar and make it difficult to have reconstruction. This is why the flap procedure was necessary.

My procedures took about seven hours. I woke up in my room. Once the anesthesia tapered off, I was extremely nauseated and hungry at the same time; not the best combination. I definitely took advantage of the pain medication offered. The one thing my Surgeon didn't warn me about, is the inability to use your chest muscles or the fear of pain. I never would have imagined how difficult it would be to move around in bed or to sit up! I literally felt like a newborn. I needed help to do everything. The extreme difficulty I had just to take a deep breath or even sneezing. It felt like my chest was going to split open. I would suggest deep breathing exercises to avoid getting pneumonia.

 I was afraid of looking at my chest for the first time...  thinking this is not my chest! I have a Barbie chest... plastic feeling, numb and no nipples! I tried to prepare my self before my surgery, looking at pictures and youtube videos. The reality of my situation was it is different for everyone! They are just breast!! I will be perky until I am eighty!! I was released from the hospital two days later.